Sunday, 4 January 2015

"If You'll Look Back in Ten Years and Laugh About It... It's Not Worth Worrying About"

After catching up on numerous tv shows this evening, I am now sat here at 2am thinking about the year (don't worry I haven't broken my new years resolutions already) but just about how far I have come, emotionally, from this time a few years ago... or even last year; in a cheesy kind of way, I am proud of myself. I have a really personal blog post which has been sat in my drafts for honestly a year now, which I have never had the courage to publish- simply because of a fear of people's reactions and judgements. But I feel like now I want to take a different 'spin' on the topic and make it a far more positive post because to me, that reflects where I am now, a lot better.

The post was centred around helping people deal with the idea of self harm, and dealing with feelings such as grief and stress. Over the course of 3 years, I lost 3 grandparents, all of which were very sudden and unexpected- this turned my world upside down and made dealing with grief alone quite a challenging thing, especially for a pubescent teen who has more hormones flying around than knows what to do with. Add in the pressure of GCSEs and ALevels to the equation multiplied by the terrifying prospect of the future and it just caused me to crumble a little bit and lose my footing. I don't want to go into details or anything like that, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed but I am quite reserved with talking about it because of some of the messages portrayed to me.

I think the stigma of self-harm (or the message I got) was that it's weak, you're depressed or that you're mad (or all three). And that's why I wrote a post a while ago was to try and explain that sometimes it's a cry for help for many different reasons, it all depends on the person, but for me it was just such a combination of overwhelming feelings which you have no idea on how to deal with any of them. *Overwhelming is the key word here* That did not mean that I wanted to hurt other people, nor did it make me a nutcase. And having self-harm used against you is enough to knock anyones confidence right back down. After talks with a GP and a college therapist I began to really think about things. It isn't something that stops overnight, its a gradual process- in reality it's a life change, trying to kill an addiction or habit doesn't take 2 minutes.

The one thing which really really helped me was when I began to use the motto; "will I look back at this in 10 years, or even a year and laugh at it and will it still matter then" if the answer was 'no it won't matter' then I needed to think about something else and try and laugh about it or shake it off, if the answer was 'yes' then there should be something which can be done to put right a situation. For example, revise more for the next exam, or keep up to date with assignments. There are always alternative ways to get to the choice of career, university isn't for everyone and the pressure put upon people can really be too much (I know I'm going off on a complete tangent now but it's all linked, I promise). The same applies to friendship issues aswell.

I think it also involves growing up and seeing the world differently, being given new opportunities and meeting new people, but also beginning to love yourself. I also love the phrase "don't let anyone else love you, until you love yourself" which I really feel is very important. Wear whatever outfit you like, listen to whatever music you like, who cares what other people think, they are not worth your time if all that matters to them is your fashion choices or favourite band. The world would be so boring if we were all exactly the same... Sometimes you need to take a step back and really clear out all the unhealthy relationships and surround yourself with positive people who like you for you.

"Don't let anyone dull your sparkle". 

I think what I was trying to write through this post was that, you are the most important thing to you. Sometimes you have to be selfish and take time on working on yourself and making sure you're the best you can be whilst being the happiest you can be without. Over the last few years I have learnt to look at life in a much more positive way and to look at the bigger picture. I have never laughed so much since starting university in September and really have made friends for life who have really made me realise how far I have come over the last few years. I am much less 'up-tight' about myself and usually end up being the butt of the joke, but a few years ago I would have been mortified, but now I just laugh it off. Blogging and YouTubing has really made me flourish, it has increased my confidence and made me far more willing to dive into social situations and really get stuck in. It really has helped boost my confidence and to make me into the person I am today. 

As I said in my previous blog post; I want to improve even more over the next year and think the same thing and be just as proud of myself next year. I hope you didn't mind my super rambly, probably gobbledegook post but if this helps one of you then I'll feel satisfied in this post. 

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